From Sonja and Leroy Feist
February 13, 2010

We have 3 sons, one is married and has given us three grandchildren, one is heterosexual and single, and our youngest son, David, is gay.  He graduated from KU with a degree in Human Biology, and then graduated from Baker University with a degree in Nursing.  He works as an emergency room nurse in Bethesda, Maryland.   David is very caring and I often thought about the wonderful girl I thought he would marry some day and the children he would have.  I knew he would be a wonderful Dad.  I was soon to learn that these were my fantasies, not his.

 

In December 1998 he came home from Dallas where he lived and told me, “I am gay and please don’t tell me it’s a phase I’m going through.  I’ve thought about this a great deal and I have gay friends and I know this is who I am.”  My first response was, “Were you abused by someone in your childhood?”  He assured me he had never been abused.  I was totally ignorant when David told me he was gay.  I didn’t think I knew a gay person, but he assured me that I did.  This was the beginning of a journey for us to learn as much as we could about our son.

 

I started reading everything I could find to educate myself.  Then in March 1999, I saw an announcement of a  PFLAG conference that was being held at Washburn University.  My husband and I went to the conference where we met the President and members of the local PFLAG group.  They were so open and welcoming to us.  What we learned that weekend  cleared up many of our questions and fears.  The Heartland Men’s Choir from KC sang that evening and I was shocked to see that many gay men in one place. 

 

One of the speakers explained that we all know that there are males and females.  But she explained that there are many variations in between. 

 

There have been several things that have helped us with this journey.  The Metropolitan Community Church has been a great support.  Also, we went to Emporia and heard Mathew Shepherds mother talk about Mathew and his death.   It was the beginning of a feeling that I needed to do what I could to stop homophobia.  We also found  a group of Catholic parents on the internet who have gay children (Fortunate Families).  They publish a great newsletter.

 

We did go talk to our parish priest after reading one of the Phelps signs that said “God hates your gay children”.  The priest was very kind and reassured us that God loves our son and that our job was to love and support him.  Now we know that the Church does not always share that view, but on that day he was very reassuring to us.  When we hear negative things from the official church, we just know that no church will ever come between us and our son.  As our son has said,  “I didn’t leave the Church, it left me.” 

 

I have often been asked how I felt when I first heard that our son was gay.  It was a feeling of grief and loss.  Now those feelings have been replaced by pride that our son is honest with us and doesn’t live part of his life in secret.  We are a part of his life and are very proud of him and his partner as they lead there lives as “family.”   Not a traditional family but as we have learned from him there are many kinds of families.

 

We have met many gays who say to us, “I wish my parents would come to a PFLAG meeting and try to learn more about me.”  We are proud that we have opened up our minds and educated ourselves.